Fear of the Unknown (And Perfume)

[Disclaimer:  If you don't care for vulnerable, open (aka: whiney, repetitive) pregnant-woman posts, you need not read on.]

We got out of the house today with Gigi's help, and mentally, that was good for all of us.  The fresh air was refreshing (original, I know).  And the perfume-stink at the mall was still as horrible as it always is.  Seriously, why retailers feel the need to scent their merchandise is beyond me.  It makes me nauseated and gives me a headache even when I'm not pregnant.  I sound like I'm doing well mentally, don't I?  Ha.

Just to clarify, the mall is not typically my choice as a fun outing location, especially since I have a wonderful two-year old side kick.  But he'd outgrown his almost new pair of tennis shoes, and the kid's foot is so wide that he gets the fancy shoes.  Gigi actually wanted to get him the shoes this time, and I didn't even fight her on it.  I just said "Thank you" a lot.  At the end of the experience we both concluded that neither of us could have successfully completed today's assignment alone.  Apparently it was worth getting off the sofa for a few hours.

But now, this evening is punishing me for having the gall to attempt to act like I felt "normal" today.  I almost lost my dinner making my way from the sofa to my bed, and I haven't done that at all with this pregnancy.  Yet.  Apparently I should say be saying "yet," because things just got a little too close for comfort.

Throwing up first thing in the morning is one thing.  I mean, it's gross, and horrible, and I hate it.  But there's not any food involved.  Throwing up in the evening.  Well, surely I don't have to explain that in detail.  And to be honest, throwing up for "the first trimester" is gross and horrible, but it sounds like a WONDERFUL alternative to how things went when I was pregnant with Spencer.  You see, you have to understand unending nausea for what it is.  A mind game.  An annoying, ever-present cloud.  But you've got no meteorologist.  You can't say, "Only two more weeks."  I tried that last time.  It didn't work.  I suppose you can say the ever-annoying (but nonetheless true) "Every pregnancy is different," phrase.  But that's not true for all people.  No, it's not.  Ask around.  If you have trouble finding some witnesses, ask me, I've got references.

Admittedly, this pregnancy has been different than my pregnancy with Spencer.  Mainly in degree.  And, when it became obvious that it was going a bit "better" than the one before it, I got a little optimistic that all this nausea nonsense would be over in no time.  Enter, the mind game called nausea.  If you feel a little better than last time, you should be doing more with your kid.  If you got out of the house today, you should get out of the house tomorrow.  If you'd take some medicine not created, intended, nor tested for pregnant women or fetuses you'd feel better.

You can see I have way too much time to think about it all.  Mostly thanks to the loving devotion of my sweet family members who rescue me on a daily, nigh hourly, basis.  Don't even get me started on how much time I have to think about the seventy plus pounds I gained with Spencer.  With every fork, spoon, and cupful of refined sugar and flour I waver between fighting the nausea and fighting the amazing propensity towards massive weight gain.

Please know I've been to infertility doctors.  I've had "trouble" getting pregnant.  I'm elated that God has chosen to bless us by entrusting children to our care.  But also know that doesn't make pregnancy any easier.  Truth be told, it just heaps on a little more guilt.  You can't just whine openly or share how you're really feeling because you know it could be heard or perceived incorrectly (not that that piece of rhetoric stops me much lately).

Every time we weren't pregnant with Spencer, I was really disappointed.  As there were more and more times that we weren't pregnant with Spencer, I worried it would never happen for us.  Each time we weren't pregnant this time around, I was relieved.  I know that is horrible to hear for lots of people.  I felt horrible feeling it.  Ha!  Talk about conflicted.  When we found out we were pregnant, I was excited and terrified.  And thankfully, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it was going to be.  But that's just because what I had to compare it to was pretty close to the worst case scenario.  (To put it in perspective, I was never hospitalized for dehydration when I was pregnant with Spencer mostly thanks to my mom (a nurse) who came over daily to force fluids and remind me of what would happen if I couldn't keep some down).

So, to sum up, if you have any pull with national retailers, tell them some people prefer the neutral smell of clean to some nasty perfume all over their textiles.  And being nauseated stinks--you can never trust the current trend.  You can have an "ok" day followed by "the worst day yet."  You never know when (or, in my case IF) it's going to end.  Or, even more unsettling, if it's going to come back.

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